November

     I want to document everything, but I see that I didn't put this down. My camera says November 15, 2022. 

I was upstairs for some reason, idk why now. I saw a kit in the closet for cleaning guns and asked him what that was about. He said that he'd gotten a pistol. He had traded some tires for it. I told him that I didn't want a gun in my house, I didn't trust him with it. I wanted to personally get the thing out of my house so I knew for sure it was gone.  

    He kept arguing with me saying he needed/wanted it for protection. (Wtf does he need protection from?) He then said he would get rid of it, he wanted to at least get some money for it. I don't give a damn if he makes money off it! I want this abusive narcissist to not have a gun to threaten me with and I want the peace of mind of knowing it's gone or destroyed. 

    He didn't like that.  I was yelling saying that HE is the type of person that shouldn't be allowed to have access to guns, because he is. He didn't like that I was yelling and making sense and being truthful about who and how is is. He then made fun of me for my recto-vaginal fistula. Called me gross. As if my genitals are who I am. Then he closed himself in the bathroom because he knew that was fucked up and I would be pissed. 

    I tried so hard to break the door open. I even picked up a small but thick vase and tried to break in. I wanted to hurt him so much that he begged me to stop. Like he's done to me so often.  

   He opened the door and started being angry at me for hurting the door. As if I should've been being calm and cool. I kept on about the gun and he'd had enough.  He body slammed me, sat on my chest and pressed down with all his strength. He has his hand over my nose and throat and was trying his hardest to make me not be able to breathe.  I don't remember much after that. I may have blacked out. I'm sure he just went upstairs like nothing happened. At some point I took these pictures, but they were early on and my foot especially for way more bruised.

I Hope it Hurts

    I'm pretty sure I've got a concussion from him slamming my head into the our stone floor five times. I think I'll have a black eye too. But I think it'll be worth it because I bit the hell out of him and didn't let go for a good five seconds. I hope it gets infected like I was last time I let him touch me. 

     He called me a whore. Told me my pu$$y was disgusting. Said I was nasty. I've got a recto-vaginal fistula and it leaks sometimes. It's very small, I keep myself as clean as possible and have never gotten any sort of infection or UTI because of it. I have Crohn's and currently take Stelara once a month by injection and Imuran orally every day. Imuran works like a chemo drug and lowers my immune system. I am more likely to get an infection than most for that reason, but I haven't.  

    I've never done anything even remotely whore like in my life. That's just a pathetic man trying to say anything he could do to make me feel bad about myself. Probably because I don't want anything to do with him, especially sexually. Yet he still thinks he's better than me, or superior in some way. In my eyes he couldn't be more pathetic and I'm glad he's finally starting to see it.

    I told him that I don't want him within ten feet of me. Later I asked where the garage bags were that I'd ordered from Walmart, I'd ordered different sizes but could only find one.  He came downstairs and said they were out of one that I wanted. I asked if he was ten feet away from me and said he needed to be. This narcissistic ass immediately goes to " we weren't ten feet apart on the stairs" when I was telling him that my pu$$y might be gross but I still didn't want him and neither did the women he jacks off to.  He's beaten my ass, said things that he volunteered were too far, I didn't call the cops for help when I definitely should've... and his loser ass is still cocky and persnickety enough to say shit like that.

   I feel like I've in a car accident and the feeling is completely familiar. I've been here so many times that I know it well. His ass is upstairs just snoring away. And he tries to convince me that he's the victim. 

It's been about two hours... The picture doesn't show it well, but it's getting to be quite a pretty blue color around my eye.

Purpling up and closing now.

I woke up to this.

About a quarter of my tooth fell out while I was eating. How the hell am I going to explain this to a dentist.

   He came home from work, got us some Wendy's, went outside to get high then went upstairs to play video games and grief on people. Not a care in the world just thinking about himself and trying to have himself some fun. He tells me he's sorry. 

Pot

      My husband keeps bringing his pot into the house for storage. I hate that he smokes (that's a whole bunch of bs for another time) and it gives me a headache. I have issues with my nose as it is and I have a headache almost every day. I need to go see a Dr about it because I think I need surgery. 

     I keep telling him to keep it outside in the shed at the very least if he insists on be a pothead. The smell of it gives me a migraine. He says okay that he's sorry, blah blah blah, then does it again. I make my case again. I don't like that you smoke as it is, but you're bringing inside my home and in my face AND giving me a headache.

     Finally I told him if it happens again I'm getting rid of it. He again says the sorry speech. He does it twice more. I finally took it. I left a note saying that I'd given him many chances. 

     He threw my clothes out the window and into the rain. He took all of the alcohol. He took things that help me sleep.  I didn't flush or burn it like I said I would, I only hid it. I knew that he would try to make the point that I couldn't smell it because it was in a jar and a bag. But I can. He can't.  I put it in a cabinet by the bathroom that we walk past all day long. I smelled it every time and took pain meds for the headache it gave me.  

     He was clueless. He was also a fucking asshole having mantrums the whole time until I told him it was just hidden.  Then he started being Mr Understanding. Obviously to get what he wanted. I spent hours explaining how I was hurt and why I had done it. He said he understood and really wanted to make it up to me. He didn't do anything.

     Today, two days after I took it, he walks into my room and tells me that he thinks he's learned his lesson. I reminded him why I took it and that I didn't feel better or like he understood that he hurt me. Basically the stuff I'd already told him.  He didn't like it. He stormed off yelling. I don't really remember what he said. 

    He went into the next room and played on his phone while continuing to make me out as being cruel to him. I turned the light on so I could explain AGAIN my reasons and defend. He turned them off and continued trying to make me feel bad. I wanted to be able to see the person accusing me of being abusive, so I turned it on again.  He jumped up and broke the bulb to the light and blamed me for it.  

    He kept going with his mantrum and blaming me for his actions, telling me I was just being mean to him but taking his pot.  Everything he had said he understood yesterday was just a lie. He was just trying to manipulate me by being understanding. Today he chose to manipulate by be aggressive and hateful.  

    I really need to get my health under control, get a job and a place to live so I can get away from this narcissistic asshole.  I am not wonderful. I'm not gorgeous. But I try to be fair and I try to be a good person. I should've actually thrown his pot out after so many months of chances. He wouldn't have given me another chance. 

    I never have any warning for how he's going to be. I'm always scared when he's here. I'm always thinking things through, like how will I explain to him my reasons for doing stuff. Literally anything. I had a chair in front of the door because I needed it out of the way for a bit, and I was actually worried about how I would explain why it was there.  That's just the thing I can think of right now. I shouldn't have to feel like that. I shouldn't have to explain my every action. Especially to a man that doesn't care how much his actions hurt me and never gives me an answer. 

     He tells me that I'm abusing him.  

Chinese Food

      Today I woke up to yet another "accident." It's really difficult trying to know if I have to go #2 or if it's just gas.  I was hoping for gas because I didn't want to get up yet. Clearly I was wrong. 

     I've wanted Chinese food for over a month now. It's getting cold outside and the stupid leaves are falling, I'm feeling really down and blue lately. I missed out on the Roadkill Cook-off because of how early I'd need to be there. I just really needed something to get excited about.

    I ordered everything I thought K and I might want. Then I saw that the restaurant had combos and had to restart, which was annoying but I liked because it was cheaper.  It ended up being like $55 for everything I wanted, then there was tax and tip. Basically it was expensive but we'd be able to just chill and stuff our faces with stuff we really liked. A good day.

     It came time to pay. ( I ordered pick-up because delivery isn't common in my area.) I was putting in my PayPal info when I told K that I had ordered Chinese but he'd have to go pick it up. All he said was, "K." He didn't even look at me.   

     I'm thinking I did something nice, he'd just asked me about dinner, but he barely acknowledged me.  I told him that he should've at least asked me how I was today or where he needed to pick up the food. He repeated my words without looking away from his phone or sounding actually interested.  I asked him why he was being that way. No answer. I told him the order would be ready in twenty minutes and went downstairs.

     We only have 2 Chinese restaurants in my area, one is a buffet and the other is mostly take out. I've never actually been inside the takeout place, but K has now told me that they also have tables.  The one I ordered from is the buffet one. 

      Ten or so minutes after I told him he needed to go pick up the food he still hadn't left. He said he didn't know where he was going. Again I tried to explain. I've only ever been inside and eaten at one of them, and that was the one.  He didn't leave, he still said he didn't know which he was going to. (they're less than five minutes walk from each other ) 

     I took a screenshot of the order and sent it to him. ( It had the name of the place and pick-up time on it) A few minutes later he still hadn't left. The food was waiting. I went upstairs to see what the issue was. He was playing a game on his phone and doesn't get messages when he plays that game. I told him I messaged him with the time/place and that he needed to go. He told me he would finish the day in his game then go. 

     A few minutes later he yelled about the price and said he wasn't going to pick it up. It cost too much and I had only gotten bullshit like wontons and not real food. (Not true) He said it was stupid to pay that much.  Maybe it was. I've been really down lately and craving Chinese. I just wanted an easy day and thought it was worth the price.

     

     I can't believe my first post was in 2016. It was so long ago.  My life was so different, I was so different.  

    I'm having a very "if I'd only known" moment. I wish I'd gotten out of this awful relationship when I started this blog.  It's so short because nothing good has happened so long. I tried to be happy and grow and make things better for everyone.  

   But Kenny is a lifesucker.  The sad thing is that I could tattoo narcissistic on his forehead and he'd still be manipulative enough convince people otherwise.

Fractured

     The way he fractured my rib... We were in yet another argument because he made me feel like shit... I don't remember the exact details, it's all always ridiculous and unfair.  

     The point is... he made me feel awful for some reason and I chased him upstairs for an explanation.  I told him I wasn't going to just give up or forget. He closed the bedroom and leaned against it.  I slammed into it.  He says that's when it broke and that was my fault. (This seems to be the most important thing to him about this day.). I may have broken it, idk.

     What I do know is that after it broke I was halfway in the door and he started slamming it into me. Over and over and over again the doorknob hit my chest. I got a huge bruise on my boob. 

I din't get a picture of my back, it's a hard angle for me and it hurt to hold my arm that way. I was in pain, but I thought it would go away. After a week it still hurt. Regular pain meds weren't helping and I needed advice as to how to make it better.  (I wasn't sure it was fractured at the time but I thought maybe.) 

     So, six days later it felt just as bad and hadn't gotten any better so I went to Med Express and got some X-rays and pain meds.   The doctor made me feel less like a weak bitch. He confirmed the fracture and deep tissue bruising.  ( I lied about how it happened, btw.)

     

Asparagus

       Nearly two weeks ago K fractured my rib.  Tonight, because certain movements hurt and he offered, he was making dinner. (Boxed risotto, sauteed mushrooms and asparagus on the side.) He asked me what to do because he put thought he put garlic in the asparagus too soon and it burned. I said he could rinse off the asparagus in the sink.  

      He... I'm not sure what exactly he said... put the hot pan, with asparagus in it, into the trashcan.  ( He did a similar thing about a week ago.) I asked him why and told him to get it out because the heat could melt the plastic. He yelled at me. I don't remember what he said.  All I know is that he blamed his actions on me.

      He started putting me down and saying he was yelling/angry because I did it first.  It was like he was saying that he hadn't lost his cool and thrown a hot pan of food in the garbage because he burnt the garlic.  

      I just don't know how to deal with such an immature person anymore. I need to be able to talk things through. I don't need drama. I NEED to talk things through and understand.  It's been so many years.