This bitch has been driving me crazy for months with his "I love you, I want this to work, let's talk" clingy ass shit. I don't trust him. I've been honest about the fact that I don't believe him. He's given twenty years of reasons for it. He swears he's changed and sees things differently. He still makes me uncomfortable but won't accept that because "he is different."
He seriously thinks that manipulation in a different way makes him a better person. I feel like one of those women kidnapped by freaks that think they should be grateful and just fall in love and be happy with their captor. His narcissistic ass will never be able to understand that.
I'm so tired of having a body that's fighting me and someone so horrible that I can't get away from. I started working when I was 15. I worked at a pet store until I was 18. Then I worked at a vets office and had to quit because I got a fistula that made impossible for me to do my job. I worked retail after that and even though my department managers praised me I just stopped being put on the schedule. Nothing was said. Wtf?
Soon after that I moved into the home I've wanted since was a kid. It needed lots of work. I don't drive (phobia, my license wasn't taken or something). Walking or getting a ride wasn't practical. A year later I got sick af and I haven't been able to work reliably since. I have no support system. I have a bitch boy that likes to kick me when I'm down.
Anyway, I will need time and help to get on my feet but I don't qualify. I have no ability to work without help getting there. Full time would likely put me in the hospital or I'd be in a lot of pain. I didn't work long enough qualify for SSI. I need health insurance. I'm on Stelara, an injection that would be more than $20 grand a month without insurance. I'm on a chemo med and anxiety med as well. They're keeping me alive.
Basically my choices are:
1. Stay with him. My pets love it here but I feel like a prisoner in hell.
2. Fucking kill myself and leave my loves with my captor.
3. Leave this asshole. No ability to pay for my meds. No way to pay for housing. If I find a place they probably won't be able to go outside, which they love. Basically, die in a ditch.
4. Make him leave the home I love. Find support in the community because I'm a good person. Make him pay the alimony I deserve while I try to dig myself out of hell and try to live as normal as I can.
Four seems obvious. But he has me convinced that I can't do it, that need him.
It shouldn't be this fucking hard to have a regular life with a fucking disability!
