First off, I have avoidant personality disorder and having relationships is extremely hard for me. However, relationships and people are also extremely important to me. Yeah, it's seems contradictory, and it's really hard to deal with.
I want my loved ones to know how much they mean to me, even though I'm practically incapable of showing it. I love you, I want to know you, and you DO matter to me. I just can't, and it's painful. My biggest fear is letting people down and not being good enough. I never feel good enough or like I belong. I feel like I'm constantly being judged, even though I know it's not true. I want you to know me, but I feel inferior and like my life is less important and interesting. I also know that's not true, but it FEELS that way, and I can't help the way I feel. It's so conflicting, and I know it's really hard to understand. I know how it sounds.
Anyway, I decided to do this blog partly to keep in touch with Hans and Marita, because they don't trust Facebook. But secondly I thought it could help me to let the rest of you know me. It's easier this way, online and not through Facebook or face-to-face. It's still going to be hard for me, but I want this badly. So, here's a bit about my disorder, and here is another post I made that is also about it. This will hopefully help you to understand why I am the way I am a little better.
Everyday things can be very hard for me. I always go to a self-checkout line if possible just so I don't have to talk to a cashier. I don't talk to people on the phone, not to make Dr. appointments, not to catch up with people, not to ask what Shoney's has on their buffet that day, nothing. If I absolutely have to do something, like go to the doctor, I stress out about it to the point of almost having a panic-attack and actually getting sick. When I actually get there it's a little better, but I almost always avoid eye contact, and give short answers to questions.
I am on medicine, which helps me - some. At first I was on something I can't remember the name of and it wasn't working, so I asked to be put on something else. I was then put on Paxil, which helped some but not well enough. BUT, I didn't want to be annoying or a bother to anyone so I just stayed on it - for four or five years. Finally I got the courage after all that time to ask to try something new, but it was only after my old Dr. left and I got a new one. Now I'm on Prozac, I think, can't remember at the moment, and it is helping me a bit more. I feel a bit more comfortable around people and small talk, and it also gets me up off my butt so I can do regular household things. The Paxil made it really hard for me to just get up and vacuum and take a shower, everyday things. But I do really miss the dreams. Paxil gave me complete control over my dreams, it was amazing.
I was hoping to post pictures of you guys and give updates of what's going on with you for Hans and Marita, also if you don't mind. I can just get things off Facebook, or you can sand me things you'd like me to post, or just let me know you'd rather I didn't at all. (This blog isn't a public one, it isn't one that can be found through search engines.)
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