Everyone had their quirks and issues, and we have to learn to live with them in order to have a good life. But some things are more complicated than others, and some things appear differently than they are. Here's mine.
This particular video is helpful, but it's not entirely true. This woman is speaking as someone who knows about the disorder, but isn't suffering from it. I'm not okay with being the way I am, I want to be more social, I want to go out and have friends. But there's always just something that is holding me back.
Here is a brave APD sufferer who has her own YouTube channel about what she goes through. I won't post them all for you, but you can watch them if you are curious and want to learn more. Watching them has helped me to not feel like such a "freak." There are other people like me, but we are all hiding.
I have no friends. That is why I blog. It makes me feel like I'm connecting with people, but I don't actually have to interact with people. In my blogs I don't really give my own opinion much, I mostly just give interesting facts. (or things I think are interesting) It's a way to express myself without really making myself vulnerable. I feel inferior to most people, but I know that I'm smart compared to a lot of people. I am a deeply emotional person.
You can tell by the way this woman speaks and how her mind wanders how confusing and frustrating this disorder is. Also notice how she avoids looking at the camera. I do that with people, I don't look at people. I look away, and I would also look away from the camera even though it's not actually looking back at me. It's sort of like a way to hide. If I can't see you, you can't see me. Even though that's completely irrational.
It's as if I'm a crazy person, but I'm actually extremely rational. I'm very good at trying to see things from every point of view, even if someone does something horrible I try to see it from their side and understand why they did it. I overthink every conversation. Days, months, decades go by and conversations I had will pop into my head and I'll think about what I should've done and said differently. It feels like I'm always saying the wrong thing, wearing the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing ALL the time. And I know that it's not true and that for the most part the other person barely remembers having that conversation in the first place, much less what I was wearing.
I'm guessing by now from what I've said and what she'd said that you know I could keep talking forever. My head never stops thinking and obsessing about everything. So, I'm going to stop now.
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